Hi, I’m Erica and I’m an overachiever.

I never thought I was the typical Asian American overachiever, but I’ve realized all this time, I’ve been in denial.

Today I cried at work.  Looking back, I’m quite disgusted with myself.  I’m not gonna go into detail about everything that happened today, but basically…I felt really stressed out and I felt really retarded for not knowing how to do everything already after a month’s work, I was assigned 7 new cases in 2 days (3 of which I will need to conduct family therapy using an interpreter), someone was rude to me, a client was being frustrating, I hadn’t eaten lunch…and then I went back to my office and cried to let all my frustration out.  Then I slapped myself to pull myself together for my supervision time.  I got to my supervisor’s office and right away she knew something was wrong (gosh, working with therapists is quite fantastic).  Then I proceeded to cry my eyes out in front of her, snot and all.  There’s a lot to my job that is independent work, and when I’m in a situation like that, my expectations that I set for myself are way higher than what management actually expects of me.  I expect to be perfect the first time around.  I expect to get things done right away.  Basically I needed to slow down.

Then she told me I was doing a great job, and someone had stopped into her office just before I came for supervision to say she was loving my thoroughness on paperwork.  My mouth said thank you, but my heart felt resistant.  I felt like rejecting that compliment because it felt like she was only saying it to make me feel better.  I hate when people do that.  I only like unexpected compliments.

The best thing about working with a bunch of therapists is that they are very understanding of these moments.  After my episode, I think about 3 different supervisors asked me how I was doing and one even offered me a cupcake (which I gladly took).  They are so supportive (although I am still slightly embarrassed that they know).  I really don’t think I would last in a cut-throat environment.  My supervisors and coworkers are pretty awesome and gracious.  If only I can offer that same grace to myself…

Still like the job, though.  :)

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